Acme Packing Company Writers’ Pro Day: Workout Results and Analysis

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As draft season draws to a close and the big event begins on Thursday, what better time to distract yourself from the silly season than with something that can only be described as “silly.”

While most fans don’t actually grind the film from prospects, something anyone can watch – and thanks to websites like Kent Lee Platte’s ras.football, they can actually understand – is the sports testing regime that most prospects follow in the pre-draft process. Every spring, hundreds of prospects are added to our collective database, and when prospects skip particular drills, it leads to talk, especially from yours truly when players aren’t running the three-cone.

So, at Acme Packing Company, we decided to have a little fun and embarrassment in the process by going through our own Pro Days. Unfortunately, some of my colleagues also skipped some exercises. Let the record show that they are all cowards and should be treated as such. We will ignore that I skipped the bench press due to a messed up left shoulder from high school football.

Anyway, enough blah. Let’s come to the embarrassment.

Rcon14

I’m not the least athletic quarterback in draft/pro day history! Closely. As you might expect, the numbers aren’t pretty. If you’re ever dying to feel amazingly cleansed, try running exactly one three-cone. The forty meter dash is obviously horrible because once you stop sprinting regularly (i.e. stop participating in athletics) the sprint speed drops off a cliff very quickly. At this point, my entirely forgettable college baseball career is four springs in the rearview mirror, and boy did it feel like that when I did that stuff. The three cones in particular will separate every piece of wash you have and show it off for yourself. Are your ankles not flexible? He will appear. The hips are not flexible? He will appear. Hamstrings washed? You guessed it, it will appear.

My closest comparison is Gus Frerotte, who played in the NFL for a while. Frerotte started 93 games in fifteen seasons and even made a Pro-Bowl in 1996 when he rushed for nearly 3,500 yards and ranked sixth in DVOA and fourth in DYAR that year. He’s also famous for spraining his neck while headbutting the wall after scoring a touchdown in November 1997, so there’s that too.

Tex Western Corporate Overlord

I regret to inform our Corporate Overlord that he is indeed the least athletic WR in NFL history. Tex posted the fastest 40-yard dash of any of our participants at 4.86, which is still fast enough to get wide receiver reps in a D3 college, so despite the 0.00, I’m still impressed.

Tex’s best lineup as a slots receiver is probably his most unique: Damiano Vitti of Guelfi Firenze. After further research, Guelfi Firenze is an American football team in Florence, Italy. I don’t know if Guelfi Firenze’s website just doesn’t update stats, but it looks like Vitti doesn’t have any stats in his three seasons with the team. I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here, but I’m glad I found it.

Tyler Brooke

It wouldn’t be a pro day without someone having to pull out due to injury along the way. Unfortunately, Tyler injured himself on the vertical jump and had to withdraw from the rest of the drills. Although there isn’t enough to create an RAS score, you can see what happens here. While Tyler likes full-backs, the full-back may not like him back. Brooke’s closest companion is Merril Hoge of sorts, who played in 114 games and rushed for over 3,000 yards in his career. So maybe there is hope for Brooke after all.

Paul Nounan

The creator of QBOPS and WROPS made the analytically smart decision to get himself executed as a kicker/punter and it pays off here as Paul registers as not being the worst kicker/punter in history. Now, there may be lower bounds helping here with the scoring system, but that’s why you make smart decisions with your choices. Paul’s best RAS comp is Will Atterberry, a North Texas punter who was in the 2013 class. Atterberry once threw a ball 59 yards, but was not on an NFL team.

I’m Matt but you can call me Matub

The resident lifter couldn’t perform the drills on the court and was always going to refuse to perform the three-cone out of respect for former Packers general manager Ted Thompson, but Matub was able to complete the bench. Matub’s closest lineup is Alex Tejada, an Arkansas placekicker who last played for the Razorbacks in 2010. He was a three-year starter from 2007-09 but only attempted one run extra in 2010. It doesn’t appear Tejada has received any NFL looks.

Jonathan Barnett

I feel pretty comfortable saying that Jonathan has the best performance of the bunch. A solid forty time (relatively speaking) plus a three-cone that breaks the tenth percentile and a good size make Jonathan our most athletic team member. The closest competitor here is Manitoba’s Adam Hindley in the class of 2012. I couldn’t find Hindley hanging out with NFL teams, but he did have a short stint in the CFL.


We hope you enjoyed this silly exercise and can laugh at us before the project coverage goes right tomorrow. Join us on Thursday and Friday nights for our live stream when the draft begins and I can promise you better analysis than you’ll get from TV.

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